Inc has presidents, vice presidents, directors, managers, more vp's more directors, asst vp's, regional managers on and on and on and on. More degrees than you could possibly imagine, more salary spent, bonuses, office space, company cars, travel expenses ect ect ect..
Our competition is killing us with a target market, sales plan and an actual company wide direction.
Millions spent by inc on upper level management salaries and the best we have is a customer incentive program.. push it they say, push it...sign them up...corporate videos made, advertising campaigns internally, post cards, emails all to the sales groups, meetings, one on one pleads to push the campaign. at least a 50% sign up success..$millions spent..
Only one problem, marketing didn't check the list, never checks the list, companies out of business, wrong account numbers, wrong phone numbers, addresses, emails, names ect. So all the money inc spends on the promotion is pissed away. yet the sales group is left to pick up the pieces, gets screamed at for not signing up enough people.
so our competition again has a plan, we give away water bottles and pens for customers who use our services. thats our plan.. hilarious.. that is the best our mgt came up with. water bottles and unusable pens... pathetic.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Internal Security
Our company has turned into Fort Knox, the OSS, CIA ,FBI and the KGB all rolled into one.. We have security cameras in the office, hallway and the snack rooms. they monitor my phone calls, emails, spies in the office report to management what the employees are saying, like they are 3rd grade brats. It would be comical if it wasn't so sad.
- security cameras: $50,000
- Internal phone monitoring system: $20,000
- computer monitoring access program: $ ongoing cost
- employee reaction- priceless
Friday, April 5, 2013
The Greatest
Had our corporate meeting this morning- actually it was like a live video feed from the bigwigs.. 90 minutes of infomercial explaining to me how great my company is.. like I am some foreigner. 45+ minutes talking in a group setting with employees from all over the country about a corporate program only 10% of the overall employees know anything about.. just priceless... #1 in this #1 in that-- its all complete crap...
I will share you something that a customer sent to me-- its a little disconcerting but also quite humerous.
I will share you something that a customer sent to me-- its a little disconcerting but also quite humerous.
I was just advised by staff in my office that the employee has been sexually harassing my staff. I was advised of numerous situations with very serious accusations and all witnessed by many different members of my staff. I will provide one example from just yesterday where he asked my employee Mary if she "knew what it felt like to be butt fucked".
Monday, April 1, 2013
Lunch Bandit
strikes again-- $50k spent on security cameras and Joanne's sandwich was stolen- the investigation must begin anew. Inc america will spend another $20k on Hr filings/ reviewing tapes/ security guards..
Of course the rest of us saw Goldilocks smoking weed outside the office eating that very sandwich but hey, no need to confuse the situation with easy to understand facts.
Of course the rest of us saw Goldilocks smoking weed outside the office eating that very sandwich but hey, no need to confuse the situation with easy to understand facts.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
New Department Rules
I am taking a break from the riveting Feldman Chronicles to clue everyone in on the new and improved work rules now implemented at Inc.
During a last minute attend or die meeting this morning it was explained to our team what is expected of us, not only work related but socially as well in the office.
I will now make this as simple as possible..
Stop: don't say another word- breaking news from corporate..we have additions to the rules,regs, and overall daily requirements to be successful.
To understand this situation one must understand our sales goals- well that's impossible because no one does. It was last years volume for the quarter plus a % increase for growth. now where that % came from is anyone's guess. Ours is 30%..Of course every other corporate in america's stretch is between 5-10% but not ours, again its 30%, yet in a dying market with a dying product which is even stated by our executives. Quote: "This is a dying product being replaced by email and other cheaper alternatives with the market share dropping 10%".. hmmm but interestingly we have to increase sales by 30%--odd wouldn't you say. To clear up the confusion another executive states "the goal comes from sales and our overall expenses". huh? so our goal has to make up for the companies overspending? corporate jets, free european vacations for executives who did nothing to deserve it, thousands spent on security cameras for the lunch bandit..you get the picture...bizarro world.., unattainable goal no bonus and threats on getting fired for not reaching the goal which no one can explain how it came to be. logic and common sense are forever gone.
The daily requirements:
Better not take vacation time or be sick-- you will be hurt and have to do double the work.hmm
closing business and bringing revenue does not matter- its all the measurables- of course that makes perfect sense.
Now to wrap up the new corporate america all the requirements numbers, goals parameters ect all come wrapped in the veil of reports-- we all love reports except that our reports are not available to us, only management. We are not privy to the information so no one knows what they did, when they did it or how they are meeting the requirements of the job until they unveil the results. At that time we are told we suck- in a big way. Now no one even knows if the numbers are right, and we have no way of checking the results.. just we suck and the entire 800 person department are getting letters of reprimand- the first step to firing.. huh---management who made the goals, numbers ect aren't , they get a pass because well their mgt.
Funny thing is none of them have done our job in at least 10 years so they are really intuned to what we do, they don't even talk to customers so of course they know best..of course they do
During a last minute attend or die meeting this morning it was explained to our team what is expected of us, not only work related but socially as well in the office.
I will now make this as simple as possible..
- you cannot eat any food at your desk after your designated start time
- you cannot get any coffee after your designated start time
- you can't talk to anyone in the office-ever- you can go and smoke 10 times a day but you better not talk to anyone ever
- you better better be slaving away right at your start time-so your start time actually is before that to start you computer get situated ect- but amazingly mgt arrives whenever and then socializes all day- funny
- you will be judged on goals not made available to you at any time
- you suck will be the new mantra no matter what you do.
Stop: don't say another word- breaking news from corporate..we have additions to the rules,regs, and overall daily requirements to be successful.
To understand this situation one must understand our sales goals- well that's impossible because no one does. It was last years volume for the quarter plus a % increase for growth. now where that % came from is anyone's guess. Ours is 30%..Of course every other corporate in america's stretch is between 5-10% but not ours, again its 30%, yet in a dying market with a dying product which is even stated by our executives. Quote: "This is a dying product being replaced by email and other cheaper alternatives with the market share dropping 10%".. hmmm but interestingly we have to increase sales by 30%--odd wouldn't you say. To clear up the confusion another executive states "the goal comes from sales and our overall expenses". huh? so our goal has to make up for the companies overspending? corporate jets, free european vacations for executives who did nothing to deserve it, thousands spent on security cameras for the lunch bandit..you get the picture...bizarro world.., unattainable goal no bonus and threats on getting fired for not reaching the goal which no one can explain how it came to be. logic and common sense are forever gone.
The daily requirements:
- x amount of calls- higher than anyone in the company is hitting- essentially everyone sucks all 800 people,, the only smart ones are management that made them. they know more. there's more- some teams can't count other means of communication, some can- so essentially the reports come out and those who can use for ex e-mail are getting kudos and those who weren't allowed suck..makes sense... fireable offense
- Other parameters including non sensical processes that take up administrative time and really produce no perceivable gains in revenue somehow have taken a life of their own. Managment has created a calculation detailing attainment % increases for each parament and process achieved. you better do these mindless and time wasting tasks or else.. another fireable offense.
Better not take vacation time or be sick-- you will be hurt and have to do double the work.hmm
closing business and bringing revenue does not matter- its all the measurables- of course that makes perfect sense.
Now to wrap up the new corporate america all the requirements numbers, goals parameters ect all come wrapped in the veil of reports-- we all love reports except that our reports are not available to us, only management. We are not privy to the information so no one knows what they did, when they did it or how they are meeting the requirements of the job until they unveil the results. At that time we are told we suck- in a big way. Now no one even knows if the numbers are right, and we have no way of checking the results.. just we suck and the entire 800 person department are getting letters of reprimand- the first step to firing.. huh---management who made the goals, numbers ect aren't , they get a pass because well their mgt.
Funny thing is none of them have done our job in at least 10 years so they are really intuned to what we do, they don't even talk to customers so of course they know best..of course they do
Monday, March 11, 2013
The Feldman Chronicles
As I stated in my original post I work for Corporate America, with its huge infrastructure, massive middle management staffing, ridiculously paid higher management with degrees and the pomposity of Roman Emperors. I assume you get the picture.. Now to get employment within this highly structured enviroment one must go thru the equivalent of some form of 3rd world torture.. interviews upon interviews, psychological testing, intelligence testing, computer skils, presentations,more interviews. They act like we are being employed at the CIA. With all that in mind one wonders how in the world Bob Feldman got this job.
Bob is an extremely odd individual, sloppily dressed wearing dockers meant for a man half his size and shirts from 10 years ago. At lunch Bob ventured out for his exercise wearing spandex and cool max shirts, again too small for his burgeoning frame. He's the office ladies man, cool around the girls acting like Tony the adventurous stud from Seinfeld fame. But to the rest of us Bob is a character to be made fun off and laughed at.. These following paragraphs are our life with Bob Feldman.
He has his flaws, hygiene, love of the ladies those things like any other man. But Bob took those flaws to extremes. he was mid 30's who thought he was 18. He loved the dope, loved the beer, loved being the cool guy except that he was a complete an utter moron.
Mr Feldman went back for his college fraternity reunion weekend. Partying with the young college fraternity brothers and of course the lucious coeds... Drunk, stoned and egged on, the 35 year old corporate sales rep proceeded to climb on the fraternity roof and jump. Bob wanted the undying adulation of his younger brothers and of course the coeds.. He jumped, flying thru the air and landing in the yard and of course breaking his ankle.. Bob is a complete moron.
He would steal off at lunch daily to smoke dope behind the office building. In his car he lit up, got stoned and went back to work. The daily routine went on and on until the day the Mr Feldman forgot to put his car in gear. He finished went back to work and his car went careening down the hill across the parking lot and smashed into another car..Bob is a complete moron..
Speaking of smoking dope- Mr Feldman continued his lunch time vagrancies, venturing further and further away from the office building on lunchtime dope walks. One day Mr F comes back from his adventure completely covered in mud tracking dirt right to his office. What happened asked a curious onlooker. I got lost state Bob, I got lost..another time he showed up after lunch with a knot on his head and dirt on his too tight pants.. Again what happened? in a low gutteral tone Bob proceeded to explain that he was smoking and talking on the phone and wham hit his head on a pipe outside the building knocking himself out cold.......Mr F is a moron.
stay tuned for more adventures in our next installment-- Can Bob jump garbage cans in a single bound???
Bob is an extremely odd individual, sloppily dressed wearing dockers meant for a man half his size and shirts from 10 years ago. At lunch Bob ventured out for his exercise wearing spandex and cool max shirts, again too small for his burgeoning frame. He's the office ladies man, cool around the girls acting like Tony the adventurous stud from Seinfeld fame. But to the rest of us Bob is a character to be made fun off and laughed at.. These following paragraphs are our life with Bob Feldman.
He has his flaws, hygiene, love of the ladies those things like any other man. But Bob took those flaws to extremes. he was mid 30's who thought he was 18. He loved the dope, loved the beer, loved being the cool guy except that he was a complete an utter moron.
Mr Feldman went back for his college fraternity reunion weekend. Partying with the young college fraternity brothers and of course the lucious coeds... Drunk, stoned and egged on, the 35 year old corporate sales rep proceeded to climb on the fraternity roof and jump. Bob wanted the undying adulation of his younger brothers and of course the coeds.. He jumped, flying thru the air and landing in the yard and of course breaking his ankle.. Bob is a complete moron.
He would steal off at lunch daily to smoke dope behind the office building. In his car he lit up, got stoned and went back to work. The daily routine went on and on until the day the Mr Feldman forgot to put his car in gear. He finished went back to work and his car went careening down the hill across the parking lot and smashed into another car..Bob is a complete moron..
Speaking of smoking dope- Mr Feldman continued his lunch time vagrancies, venturing further and further away from the office building on lunchtime dope walks. One day Mr F comes back from his adventure completely covered in mud tracking dirt right to his office. What happened asked a curious onlooker. I got lost state Bob, I got lost..another time he showed up after lunch with a knot on his head and dirt on his too tight pants.. Again what happened? in a low gutteral tone Bob proceeded to explain that he was smoking and talking on the phone and wham hit his head on a pipe outside the building knocking himself out cold.......Mr F is a moron.
stay tuned for more adventures in our next installment-- Can Bob jump garbage cans in a single bound???
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